


By Your Side

by koi_ling



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Sex, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut, because we like the pain that way, but also friends with benefits who are actually hurting yay, era: pre-exit movement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 22:03:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6875434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koi_ling/pseuds/koi_ling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seunghoon is always there when Seungyoon feels too raw and broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Your Side

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally for Winderland and you can find it [here](http://win-derland.livejournal.com/2462.html) too.   
> For Cleo ♥

_“Tonight. Your bedroom”_

Seunghoon glances at the text flashing on the screen of his phone, types a short reply and goes back to the dinner he and Jinwoo are sharing. Unlike him, his hyung has already finished eating his portion of ramen. Seunghoon listlessly nudges the noodles with his chopsticks in an attempt to get his appetite back, but he can clearly see that the broth has gone cold and that’s a good excuse to just put the rest of the dinner aside.

The change in Seunghoon’s demeanour must be obvious because Jinwoo looks away from his phone and pipes at him. “What are you thinking about?”; as usual a playfulness peppers his eyes, ready to deepen into tease if it’s the case.

“Nothing special, a dongsaeng I know wants a favour”, Seunghoon dismisses the whole thing, focusing all his self on how the broth and few chops of green onion spin around the chopsticks he’s twisting in the bowl.

“You shouldn’t be always this nice, or your dongsaengs will rely on you for the smallest things. They shouldn’t take you for granted”.

Seunghoon grunts in lukewarm scorn. Or Jinwoo is more perceptive that he wants to appear, which is probably true, or Seunghoon is starting to lose his hold on his own emotions. He has always prided himself of being the best at hiding his feelings, at least in Winner. It’s not a record he wants to lose. “You shouldn’t talk, you’re no good example”.

“True enough”, his hyung cracks an apologetic smile, and Seunghoon suddenly feels guilty for being this obnoxiously cryptic. There is not much he can tell him, but he doesn’t want him to worry for something that’s only Seunghoon’s business, and no one else’s.

“But it’s ok”, Seunghoon lets the words slip from his mouth, way too prone to solve the misunderstanding. “This is not a problem for me… not when this person needs me so much”. Seunghoon puts the chopsticks away and shrugs his shoulders. “I am ok with it, really. No grudges… no regrets”.

Jinwoo nods in complete understanding, accepting his explanation and not prying any further like only he can do. Jinwoo is someone who trusts easily, and there is no reason for him to not believe Seunghoon this time. He smiles again and goes back to the videogame on his phone that is keeping him busy lately.

Seunghoon is left alone with the bittersweet, distressing sensation that everything he has said to him is only another way to justify everything he does to himself.

If he says it’s ok out loud over and over again, maybe it’ll become the truth.

 

 

 

After all the dishes are clean and Jinwoo has settled in the living room to pet his cats along with Mino, Seunghoon goes back to the quiet dimness of his room.

He starts folding the pile of clothes he has stacked on the bed and the desk, going on for a little before realizing he doesn’t have to look good in front of _him_. It’s not like he’s a date Seunghoon has to impress.

With a hollow sigh and a theatrically exaggerated movement, he throws the whole bunch of clothes on the desk and goes to take a shower. He rubs hard, skin glowing red under the sponge as he wipes every possible drop of sweat and dirt away. Seunghoon only stops when is sure he’s clean.

It has become a ritual he does every time they meet, and now it’s something he can’t miss. It’s one of the certainties of his routine. This sensation won’t last long, but it’s a prelude of what’s going to happen next.

He doesn’t dry his hair, but let’s time do that for him as he sits on his bed and waits for him. It’s in moments like this, when he realizes he’s using his time like that and he doesn’t mind at all, that he ends up wondering how everything has come to this. How it has become something that Seunghoon can’t live without.

Not that he would do anything differently, if he had the opportunity to go back in time. He’d make the same choices. He cares too much to have regrets – but as he rubs his hand onto his face, trying to push the sleep away, he admits that maybe he’d change just one thing.

Just one.

 

 

 

_“Let’s not fall in love – is it ok for you, right?”, he says, his long skinny fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt, his words ringing in Seunghoon’s mind for much longer than they hang in the air. His eyes shifts to not look at Seunghoon, and yet he can’t hide the expectation within him. Seunghoon smiles at that little juvenile detail and nods. “Sure. This is just a necessity for the two of us”._

It’s past 1 am when he arrives.

The pop music playing on his laptop has lulled Seunghoon to a sleep without dreams, and he wakes up only when the doorknob turns, suddenly well aware of who is entering his room. He rubs the sleep away from his eyes as Seungyoon drops his jacket on the chair next to his desk, each move quick and sharp. Seunghoon can see from how he acts, from his lips all curved downwards and his eyes all focused but way too fixed, that his has been another bad day. Like many others lately.

The new album is requiring way longer than they all expected, Seunghoon knows that – they had songs and ideas since day one and they have been working on it restlessly, without apparent success or approval, without any hint of when they’ll have the opportunity to comeback, without any reassurance. Each one of them has given tears and blood to this, but no one as much as Seungyoon.

Seunghoon knows well what frustration is – damn, he’s been locked away for god knows how long this year! – and he doesn’t really need words from Seungyoon to understand everything he’s feeling.  They rarely talk when they meet like this, and in the end any word would be unnecessary.

Silence speaks enough for them.

 

 

 

There are times when Seunghoon teases Seungyoon for everything he does and they bicker till Seunghoon has his last word. The rapper knows he can do it because Seungyoon never takes it seriously, and it’s somehow both funny and liberating to just pull that childish side of the leader out, to let it be seen after all the moments of stiff self-control and maturity. It’s something Seungyoon enjoys as much as Seunghoon, as he remembers what it is to be one of the maknaes of the group, and not just the person who everyone looks up at.

Seunghoon is good at reading people and knows exactly where to stop, to not the cross the line Seungyoon had silently traced between them to preserve himself. Just that one day Seunghoon doesn’t – he pushes and pushes the wall, crosses the line, and breaks it.

 

 

 

_That day isn’t one for teasing, he can see that much._

_Even if Seungyoon tries to keep his face straight, and smiles at this or that to look normal, he jumps at every little thing, his nerves obviously too tensed for something he’s trying to hide, his hands balled in fists so tight that his skin has turned white. Seunghoon doesn’t point out anything of what he sees, but can’t look away either._

_He just knows Seungyoon needs someone close – Seunghoon can’t put it into words, but he has never seen the leader like this, and he feels like something bad could happen if he leaves him alone – so he has to stay. And let his hand slip on his head, in a sincere and sweet caress. And he can’t help but talk and ask, even if he knows sincerity could break Seungyoon apart._

_He sees him crumbling, failing miserably as he tries to avoid his questions – Seungyoon says he solves his problems by his own, he doesn’t need Seunghoon to mother him, and this is something he has to take care by himself, he doesn’t want to bother anyone else. But Seunghoon sees how much Seungyoon needs that_ someone _else that he always denies. He sees that Seungyoon has never been this alone, and this broken, and he’s just a step away from falling into something that’s far too steep and dangerous._

_So, somehow, the caress on his cheek becomes more insistent, and Seunghoon doesn’t really know how but it’s easy to turn his kindness in something way more urgent. He hopes that Seungyoon will be selfish enough to seek comfort in that, and sees how he relishes the rough touch on his skin._

_Somehow it’s already too far, and they already into this._

That day Seungyoon was like clay in his hands. All he had needed was somebody to make him feel less raw and hopeless – he needed to be redefined by someone else, by Seunghoon’s touch, for he had forgotten who he was along the way.

Sometimes he’s still like that, and there is nothing he craves more than Seunghoon having his way with him. But there are also times when he takes the lead – and this day is one of them.

Seunghoon can only register the fact Seungyoon has thrown his last cloth on the desk before the leader is over him. He gasps as his fingers find the hem of his sweatpants and yank them down – Seunghoon follows with his eyes as Seungyoon dips his head in a quick fluid move and goes to wrap his clothed cock with his mouth.

Then Seunghoon feels more than just seeing: how hot and wet Seungyoon is around him and how he angrily places open-mouthed kisses, almost bites, along his shaft; the roughness of his tongue against him, and the pressure he puts around him, so insanely maddening when it’s not enough to satisfy him but it suffices in making him hard.

Seunghoon can’t help but pull his hair as tries to articulate something, take control of the situation, and yet Seungyoon seems lost in his own world, in a ceaseless need to vent his anger. He engulfs him despite the cloth and sucks, like his life depends on it.

“Come…”, Seunghoon pants as Seungyoon outlines his cock with his mouth, nuzzling his nose in his now too wet underwear, “Come on, let me do the same”, he sounds way more affected than he wants to be, as Seungyoon tugs the cloth down and cold air meets his erection. Seunghoon openly sighs when those plump lips touch his skin, and the tip of his tongue teases him.

Everything is too intense to even react, and yet Seunghoon manages to pull Seungyoon away. He knows that this won’t be enough, way too soon, neither for him nor for Seungyoon – only when Seunghoon makes him forget Seungyoon can breathe and go back to the leader he is, and there is only a way to make that happen.

The complaint Seungyoon voices out is strong and hostile, but he doesn’t fight him back when Seunghoon guides him and pulls him till his position is reversed, so that he can go back blowing him while Seunghoon is finally able to please him.

When Seunghoon plants his lips on his skin, Seungyoon slows down a little; and the rapper couldn’t be happier as his voice grown lower, his stuttered moans increasing while Seunghoon grips his thighs firmly and peppers the milky skin of little gentle bites. He leaves marks that will fade soon enough, but give him the satisfaction to colour him of red, as a reminder of what they have done.

Seunghoon travels up till he mouths his balls, teasing him just lightly, and then keeps going up, rushed by his own desire to have him as soon as possible. Seungyoon groans louder around the head of his cock, his hand clutching at his shaft a little harder when Seunghoon teases his entrance with his tongue.

Seunghoon sees him melting as he continues, the livid and tenacious resolution from earlier fading little by little as he lets him lead. The anger Seungyoon puts in every small gesture turns into simple wanton need; he curls his hands around him, failing to take a hold of him as he forgets to move, his mouth open in a silent prayer, lips pressing against his hip. Seunghoon tastes him, spreads him, even when he doesn’t need it too much after they’ve met more frequently these past days.

They have enough reasons to do so, now more than ever. Seungyoon is on the edge of his own sanity, in danger to fall at the slightest waft of wind, and all he needs is Seunghoon to bring him back to earth, to a ground he can use to hold his own pieces together.

Seunghoon is the only one who could do that – he knows it clearly and that’s why he doesn’t stop, no matter how much it affects him. No matter how much he feels like screaming.

 

 

 

Taehyun couldn’t. Seungyoon looks at him like he’s his own little brother – Taehyun is everything for him, and he can’t show him he’s weak and broken and needy and sometimes not as nice as everyone thinks. For Taehyun, Seungyoon only has smiles and kind words and supportive gestures.

He can’t open up to the maknae, but not even to their hyung. Seunghoon knows well enough that Seungyoon doesn’t want to put any more stress on Jinwoo’s shoulders. He has enough reasons to break down by his own and Seungyoon can’t do this to him. He wants Jinwoo to grow strong enough to finally break free from all the limitations he puts on himself, and see how truly worthy he is – there is no room for Seungyoon falling apart in front of him, he can’t falter when Jinwoo needs someone by his side.

And Mino… he’d worry too much. Put too much heart in it. Lose it. Freak out. Let it slip out, one day, and let the manager know, and from him to the rest of the staff, and then right to YG. No, Mino can’t keep a secret like that, not as well as Seunghoon.

Seunghoon is the one. The person who sees everything, makes fun of it, but can also be serious the next instant. Seunghoon is the one who can see this side of Seungyoon and being ok about it, not even flinching when he throws a fit. Even in his dirtiest, lowest moment, Seunghoon will stay with him and be strong enough to hold them both through the storm.

 

 

 

“Come here”.

Seunghoon pulls him closer and Seungyoon grumbles in protest – he’s been riding him for a while, but Seunghoon can’t stand how he can’t kiss those lips, as he lies down on the mattress, and how he can’t fist his hands around his fluffy – now wet with sweat – hair. He props himself up so that he is sitting, and Seungyoon just whines something incoherent when Seunghoon circles his back with his arms.

A bit dizzy for the change of position, Seungyoon leans in, slowing down his pace as he rests his cheek against Seunghoon’s to catch his breath. For a moment they stay still, both savouring the closeness of that hug, the intimacy their bodies share, as well as their souls, and everything that it brings along.

But it lasts shortly, as now it’s Seunghoon the restless one, almost on the edge. He feels the need to have him, in any way Seungyoon will offer himself, and a rush of desire and love takes him – he kisses his sweaty cheek, traces the bone, catches his thick lips with his owns, and Seungyoon replies with the same simmering hunger Seunghoon puts in the kiss, slowly but definitely claiming and requiring his attention, tongue pressing and delving inside him eagerly.

At that Seunghoon starts to move and they break the kiss in a breathless gulp. Seungyoon grips his neck, nails leaving red crescents on his skin as Seunghoon thrusts into him. The rapper takes in every little detail of him, enjoying Seungyoon melting in his arms, the little quickened puffs and groans he lets out against his skin, his tightness around his cock.

Seunghoon loves how Seungyoon will quietly say his name amidst the curses as the pleasure build up inside him, in a giddy spiral of needs and wants that finally breaks even his last wall, and lets him have a moment of sincerity. With his whole guard down and his hands clasping around Seunghoon, Seungyoon is free to be a normal guy of twenty-one, and himself, and in this exact moment just ready to reach his own pleasure.

Seunghoon holds his hips tight as he pushes few last times, willingly giving in to his orgasm. Seungyoon follows him, muffling a last moan against his mouth.

 

 

 

Despite his own benefit, Seunghoon has learnt to keep his love at bay and enjoy all the little things between them. Even if he can’t ask for much more, as this feeling wasn’t in their plans, he can still rejoice the way Seungyoon will fall asleep against him. He curls up like a cat, a leg around his waist, an arm thrown across his chest, and his head nestled above his heart. He can enjoy his weight on him, and the small mumbles during his sleep, when he dreams, and how he’ll smile the next morning. And all the things he won’t say, but will be obvious to Seunghoon anyway.

Seunghoon can’t help but fall in love again and again, no matter how much it can hurt. And all the moments of weakness – when he wants to confess, when he wants to ask him if he feels the same, and if they can have something that’s not just this – turn into nothing when Seungyoon seeks him out again.

So Seunghoon stays quiet. For Seungyoon’s wellbeing. And because he knows the leader wouldn’t rely on him anymore if he knows this is bringing him such a bittersweet pain.

Seunghoon can be the selfless one, for once. And let Seungyoon be selfish.

 

 

 

After all, he’s good at keeping secrets.


End file.
